Another Star Gained In the Sky - Whitney Houston R.I.P

I don't usually write posts about items in the news but the shocking news of Whitney Houstons' death awoke me to the subject that is close to my heart - addiction. As I write this, it has not been confirmed the cause of death but if her recent history is anything to go by, drugs may have something to do with it. 

I write this because its the week leading up to the death of my sons dad, a year on.  Unfortunately, he was taken from us because of a long battle with drug addiction and although he was clean when he passed away, it was too late.  The shocking news of Whitney Houston brings this to the forefront of my mind again and upsets me that something we have a choice over, ends up destroying our lives.
  Whitney was an immense talent, a true diva and an inspiration to many others.  Her songs will live on in everyones hearts and there will never be anyone like her again. With Amy Winehouse dying in similar circumstances, I hope that the problems they suffered are highlighted to the world to show what happens even to those with everything.  Addiction, may it be drugs, alcohol, gambling, is a disease and although I have never been addicted to anything myself, I have seen it first hand take over someone completely and destroy them.  Unfortunately, losing such celebrities to these horrors is a tragedy, but it certainly puts things into perspective and hopefully makes more people aware.
 

My favourite Whitney Houston song - All The Man That I Need

My first memory of the singer is dancing at a wedding to, 'I Wanna Dance With Somebody' when I was a kid.  I loved 'I Will Always Love You' when it first hit the charts but it is so overplayed now I cannot bear to hear it!  'One Moment In Time' was a song played at my brother, Scotts' bar mitzvah and my karaoke song is her version of 'The Greatest Love of All!'  I used to own the triple cd collection of her greatest hits, playing it over and over again in my bedroom!  I wasn't a big fan of her more RnB stuff but 'It's Not Right' is a good track!  When I watched her awful performance on the X Factor a few years ago, I knew I was only a fan of her younger self and kind of lost respect for her.
  May she rest in peace, and hope her family can move on from this sad loss with dignity.
xxx

This Time Last year and the Taboo Subject that is Miscarriage

This post may be a little hard for some of my readers to read but I feel its necessary to write about this.  The weather today (monsoon-like!) has made me think about this time last year, when my son went to school and it was a lovely warm September day.
  I was two months pregnant at the time and me and Dean were shocked yet extremely excited and happy about becoming parents together. However, deep down I wasnt happy.  I wanted to be, but I felt like I had lost something.  My mood swings were the worst I have ever experienced, I hated everybody and everything and I was generally not a nice person to be around.  I thought I had pre-natal depression, as my mum mentioned that it didnt seem normal to feel that way, when it should be a joyful time for me. 
  When me and Dean went for our three month scan, we received the fatal news that I am still dealing with to this very day.  I was expecting twins but unfortunately they could not detect a heartbeat at all, and I had had what they called a missed miscarriage.  My world fell apart and I didnt know what to do.
  I kept trying to pin point something to blame this on - maybe I had worked too hard?  Maybe I shouldnt have had that glass of wine with my lunch?  I knew that it was just one of those things and it wasnt meant to be but that didnt make it any easier to deal with. 
  Most people agree that you shoud not tell anyone your pregnant until after that first scan, but I disagree.  I had told most of my closest friends and family and thank goodness I did because I had their upmost support throughout this tragedy and I dont think I would have coped too well without them. 
  The other heart breaking thing I had to do was tell our little boy.  We didnt tell him it was twins so he still thinks he was having a baby but we told him it was in heaven and he cried his eyes out, poor thing.
  So, throughout this last year, we have had to get over the milestones, cancel pre arranged apointments, go through the motions, attend 4 hospital appointments, and deal with our tragedy as best we could.  Through all this, I realised how taboo the subject of miscarriage is.  People that have not been through it, I find, get awkward when its mentioned and never know what to say.  I dont blame them for acting that way but I have been outspoken about what happened as it helps with the pain, and know one knows what to say back.  I believe its important to talk about these things, especially with your partner and lets not forget that although us women go through the physical, mental and emotional pain of a miscarriage, so do our partners who watch you go through it, and have to grieve with you too.  I have tried to talk to Dean about what happened but I cant seem to get the words out.  I close up and cant function  but I suppose its part of the grieving process and time is a great healer.
  At times, I have thought I was going mental, all I could think about was why? Then my thoughts changed to getting back what I lost and tried again for a baby, but now although I am stll grieving (and writing about it is certainly a challenge), I dont feel like it is controlling my life as much as it was.  Maybe thats because I have been so busy with my life as a distraction. 
  Anyway, with it being almost a year since our tragedy happened, I felt it was about time I spoke out about it, to show that its ok to talk about it, its ok to read about it and its definetely ok to deal with it in my own time.  I know this will stay with us forever and we will never forget our two babies that we lost, but who we found in our hearts.


Thank you for taking the time to read this xxxx

Domestic Violence - Its Time To Speak Out: My Story

I was inspired today to write about my experience with domestic violence.  A campaign runninng by Refuge & Avon are able to help women speak out about their horrifying experiences in order to help those suffering in silence.
  It is important to note that there are four types of domestic violence, Physical, Mental, Emotional and Sexual.  I fall under the Emotional category.
  Now, in telling this story, I do not wish to bad mouth the man that did this to me, for reasons which you are about to find out.  My message to anyone suffering similar abuse is loud and clear, Get Out Even If You Think You Cant.

The man in question I will call J, when we met I already knew his back story from what he had told me.  He was an ex heroin user and was at the beginning of an addiction to alcohol, him telling me this because he actually wanted to push me away to protect me.  He had a lot of demons to deal with and did not want to hurt me along the way.  I was only 20 at the time, so naive.  I thought I could be his saviour and help him conquer his addicitions, no problem. 
  I was with J for two years where I had witnessed him take cocaine at a party, drive under the influence of alcohol and drugs, constantly smoked weed, and hiding vodka bottles from me in cupboards, yet still I thought I could help him.  Then along came our son, and his first year in the world was a happy one, with his Dad off alcohol and clean. 
  A day after our son turned one, J drove to a local retail park to buy a car stereo and was stopped by a stranger asking if he wanted to buy some heroin. J agreed, our son was in the back seat of the car and what he set out to buy was soon forgotten.  I didnt know about this until three months later when J looked gaunt, lifeless and his eyes were "pinned up" constantly.  I knew something was wrong and he admitted to taking heroin for the last few months.
  The next six months were a downward spiral for our home life, J never saw us, constantly remaining in the spare room taking drugs and getting "high."  It was the beginning of the long journey of becoming a single parent for me, going to work at weekends and looking after our little boy.
  When social services got involved, I couldnt see the problem at first.  They were saying J was a danger to our son especially when I left him alone with his dad whilst I went off to work.  I could not see the seriousness of what was happening but in hindsight this is what was really going on:

• Heroin was being left in rooms where our son played
• J kept a knife under our bed and had many hallucinations, one included him thinking we were being robbed and I woke up to find the police in my bedroom.
• Our son was being neglected by both of us, me when I went to work and by J all of the time, leaving him in wet nappies and dirty clothes
• I was being emotionally abused with not being allowed my own money, not allowed to dress a certain way, and my whole personality was turning me into a monster

One night, J was so desperate to stop me from calling the police, he stubbed a cigarette out on my hand, whilst pinning me to the bed and when I got free, I ran to a neightbors house leaving our little boy alone in the house.  I havent portrayed myself here as the worlds greatest mum, and I wasnt at the time, being so young and naive.  But I changed it all around knowing I had to leave this situation.  It was not the easiest thing to do, I had no where to go, and did not know how I was going to suppport my son on my own but with the help of social services and my immediate family, I was put into a womans refuge far away from everyone until I was re-housed. 
  I put the pieces of my life back together but it was hard work.  I strived to be the best mum I could be after that, partly to make up for my neglect but also because I knew I could be.
  After two years and many battles through solicitors, J was able to see his son but years of drug abuse had taken their toll and sadly, J passed away earlier this year. 
  Now, without his demons and addictive personality, J was the best dad to our son.  After everything that happened, I knew he wanted to fight against it and in the last year of seeing him, he gave the world to his son as much as he could.  But, drugs would always be his downfall, coming first in his life, something I will never understand.
  The purpose of this post is to highlight that domestic violence happens to 1 in 4 of us whether its physically or emotionally.  There is a lot more that I have left out about my experience but it isnt necessary to include them.  However, to anyone suffering in silence, I strongly recommend to shout out about how you are being treated. It is no longer a taboo subject and you are definetely not alone.  Even though you may think there is no help, there most certainly is and before you know it, your life will be for the better, whether children are involved or not.  It is time to speak out and help each other with experiencing domestic violence............