This post may be a little hard for some of my readers to read but I feel its necessary to write about this. The weather today (monsoon-like!) has made me think about this time last year, when my son went to school and it was a lovely warm September day.
I was two months pregnant at the time and me and Dean were shocked yet extremely excited and happy about becoming parents together. However, deep down I wasnt happy. I wanted to be, but I felt like I had lost something. My mood swings were the worst I have ever experienced, I hated everybody and everything and I was generally not a nice person to be around. I thought I had pre-natal depression, as my mum mentioned that it didnt seem normal to feel that way, when it should be a joyful time for me.
When me and Dean went for our three month scan, we received the fatal news that I am still dealing with to this very day. I was expecting twins but unfortunately they could not detect a heartbeat at all, and I had had what they called a missed miscarriage. My world fell apart and I didnt know what to do.
I kept trying to pin point something to blame this on - maybe I had worked too hard? Maybe I shouldnt have had that glass of wine with my lunch? I knew that it was just one of those things and it wasnt meant to be but that didnt make it any easier to deal with.
Most people agree that you shoud not tell anyone your pregnant until after that first scan, but I disagree. I had told most of my closest friends and family and thank goodness I did because I had their upmost support throughout this tragedy and I dont think I would have coped too well without them.
The other heart breaking thing I had to do was tell our little boy. We didnt tell him it was twins so he still thinks he was having a baby but we told him it was in heaven and he cried his eyes out, poor thing.
So, throughout this last year, we have had to get over the milestones, cancel pre arranged apointments, go through the motions, attend 4 hospital appointments, and deal with our tragedy as best we could. Through all this, I realised how taboo the subject of miscarriage is. People that have not been through it, I find, get awkward when its mentioned and never know what to say. I dont blame them for acting that way but I have been outspoken about what happened as it helps with the pain, and know one knows what to say back. I believe its important to talk about these things, especially with your partner and lets not forget that although us women go through the physical, mental and emotional pain of a miscarriage, so do our partners who watch you go through it, and have to grieve with you too. I have tried to talk to Dean about what happened but I cant seem to get the words out. I close up and cant function but I suppose its part of the grieving process and time is a great healer.
At times, I have thought I was going mental, all I could think about was why? Then my thoughts changed to getting back what I lost and tried again for a baby, but now although I am stll grieving (and writing about it is certainly a challenge), I dont feel like it is controlling my life as much as it was. Maybe thats because I have been so busy with my life as a distraction.
Anyway, with it being almost a year since our tragedy happened, I felt it was about time I spoke out about it, to show that its ok to talk about it, its ok to read about it and its definetely ok to deal with it in my own time. I know this will stay with us forever and we will never forget our two babies that we lost, but who we found in our hearts.
Thank you for taking the time to read this xxxx